Burning Love: Fire, Brimstone, and You!
A holy guide to channeling your inner arsonist.
Before You Light That Match: What follows is pure satire, folks! No real reverends were harmed in the making of this story, and no actual fire-starting is recommended. If you're genuinely tempted to burn things after reading this, please seek help from licensed professionals, not fictional clergymen charging $55 a pop.
Hey kids! Do you like matches?
Do you love the enrapturing rapture? Do you love knowing that the power of the Devil's playpen destroys anything you wish to be gone from the Lord's kingdom?
Well, guess what? You're WRONG! And you're HELLBOUND!
My name is Reverend Sherman Chapelman, and it is my great honor to help navigate you toward the great, almighty kingdom of God! All you need is a heart ready to purge any trace of sin, your parents' consent, the awesome and unfathomable will of our Lord, and a regular payment series of $55 American. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's get down to business!
Arson is a horrible, horrible crime. That said, as a God-fearing person such as yourself, perhaps I can see where an impressionable soul might be tempted. Though fire is the soil that spews out the Devil’s unholy wrath, "arson" is a word with a divine taste on the tongue. Say it aloud: arson. Ar-son. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Yes, one can certainly hear "arson" and think "our son." Our Holy Son of God. He who makes all good and just. If one burned a school into a pile of dust, He — in His all-righteous vision — would maybe have just reason for the dissolution of one public institute. After all, wasn't it God who sent a great flood onto the masses to cleanse the Earth?
Wasn't there something or another in Genesis about "ashes" and "dust" and all that hullabaloo? Didn't someone have a conversation or two with the Big Man when He was a Big Burning Bush?
Believe me, dear child. I hear your anger. Your call to the mighty. Your deeply buried desire to impart His wisdom. I feel your empowered spirit shining brightly through these thick and horrid columns of smoke. But fear not, child, for I am here to help. Let me guide you to the light. Not the terrifying light of burning, uncontrollable flames, but the loving, less flesh-melting divinity of our caring and compassionate Lord and Savior. Isn't that better than burning down the mall?
It is time for a fresh start, my little guardians of the light. A rejuvenating, payment-renewing start! And that's where I will most graciously come in. Because much like sheep need shepherds, and, perhaps in an allegory that's more familiar to you, fire needs wind, I am the vessel to the Big Man Upstairs. And through His lips, my ears, and your gracious donations to the church, we can spread His message all across our great, not-fire-scored land! So I say to thee, let's get started!
The future looks bright because we will be using your fire, your soul, and divine cash for good!
Now, it may not seem like it, but there are plenty of resourceful ways to use your delirious lust for flames for good — if you can believe it! Let's break them down, shall we?
Build Fires for the Homeless.
It's a cold, cold world out there. And every day, your neighborhood brothers and sisters are left with no place to call their own. They lie in the dark, shivering themselves silly, as they can't turn up the heat or bunker down from the storm. But that's where you come in, my dear servant of the Lord!
With your expert fire-building skills, you can give a helpless homeless person the warm bath of fire they need to stay warm. And fear not — you won't be tempted to commit property damage because, let's face it, they don't have their own homes! What will you do, burn down their box?
Try as you might, Lucifer, but you can't steal from those who have already lost everything, bud!
Get Into Cooking!
Everyone needs to eat! But Jesus isn't always around to give fish to the masses. Sometimes, you need to whip up your own pot of stew. And what do you need to make that happen? Fire!
By taking your love of flames and applying it to good eating, you will not only do yourself a great service, but you can make friends, treat loved ones, and possibly even win over that lucky guy or gal you've been admiring from afar. The fires of passion start with a nice fire on the stove — but don't get any funny ideas! Trade that lust to thrust for a lust for the crust! Anyone hungry?
Burn Your Neighborhood Trash.
Now, some hoity-toity scientists might take umbrage at this particular suggestion, but what do they know? They're destined for Hell (the Kingdom of Fire!) anyway! We're in the soul-saving business here! Trash pollution is a big problem in our day-to-day world. It won't get rid of itself! Rather than wallow in sadness about the tragic state of our garbage-filled world, you should use your fear-inspiring fire-making skills. Make this planet a better place to live by burning those big heaps of trash to the ground! Crummy things like plastics, glass, and paper were NOT made by The Man Upstairs. Give them an express pass to Hell with your fire-building, and save us ALL!
Just be careful! Don't let those flames lick your family, neighbors, or anything else God touched!
Make Some Glass!
Much like cooking, you can use your fire-building to create rather than destroy! If you have ever held a pot or vase in your hand and said, "Gee, I wonder where this came from," well, question no more! The answer is in the flames! Get yourself a welding torch and make your grandmother a nice little flower holder for her nursing home. It doesn't even need to be pretty! Just effective!
And these are only a few things you can do with your special, terrifying interest and horrible skill!
Listen, every youngster has a rebellious phase. I'm certainly not telling you tales out of school when I confess — to you and the Lord above — that I could be a bit of a rascal back in the day. Staying up past 9, getting into fistfights, going to conversion therapy… everyone has a naughty period in their lives. But if you listen to me (and God!) and open up your heart (and wallet!), you will soon be on the path of the righteous and find yourself in the hands of His almighty grace!
So don't be a stranger, stranger! Join St. Florian's Fire Quenchers Program, located in the burning heart of the church, and don't get blamed for the flame ever again! Extra fees apply!
Save those fires for the Devil! And if you find yourself fond of water instead, I say get baptized!
Also, if you recommend three of your fellow flamers, you get 20 percent off your first purchase! Let's call that… a fire sale! Praise be to the Lord on high!
Author’s Notes
There's no crowdwork when it comes to writing. You just follow your gut. As I attempted to come up with a premise for my first purely satirical work of fiction, I was influenced by a party of one. The first sentence that made me laugh was the winner. And there was something about "Hey kids. Do you like matches?" that had me chuckling. So I went from there to see what would happen. What transpired, for better or for worse, is the story you've just read.
Like most children raised in evangelical families, I was exposed to all sorts of religious influences. I didn't have any primary source of inspiration here, I'll admit. But when you are raised Roman Catholic, everything relates to The Good Book in some fashion or another. The older you get, the more you realize that you won't ever have a fully secular frame of mind. As such, Reverend Sherman Chapelman's dogmatic mindframe became fairly natural after a spell. His love of goofy puns is also not dissimilar to my own.
I hope the rest of the story speaks for itself. All I'll say is that if you are encouraged to become an arsonist, I would not seek the advice of someone like our holier-than-thou, money-hungry protagonist. I would contact, I dunno, the fire department or something. Fires are generally bad, and I wouldn't start them unless you have a very good reason to do so. But as for me, well... let's just say I'm heating up.
Proceeds to burst into flames and run around the room in a bath of fire, screaming at the top of my lungs
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